Sometimes I just wish that I was bulletproof.. I saw an episode of some series just now.. I'm not sure why, but I started thinking... (guess that's the reason I'm writing in english as well) As usually it's drama and intriges. And as usually I feel some sort of connection, but that can happen no matter what I'm whatching. But it's hard not to see some sort of connection. Perhaps a reason we women like these series. We are "complicated" and see or relates to a situation in our own lifes. A bit over the top, but sometimes it feels that way.
But what I was thinking is all these thoughts. I must say, I can relate to quite a few.. I've been single now for, almost eight years.. And I still have no clue. Life still is hard to figure out. I have had some dreams, for quite some time now. But I have been wondering for a while now when they are going to be fullfilled. I'm tired of being stuck at the same place.. Well, I'm not that stuck. I actually feel that I have made some progress with my self =P But more on the inside, than the outside.. I don't think that others make the difference, but I can feel it. And I like it! I like me more. And I don't care what others say.. I am me, and people can like me for who I am, or it's their loss. If they don't try to know me, then they can't say that they don't like me either. 'Cause they don't know what I stand for, or what I mean. I'm not pointing noses or whatever.. Why do that? Waste of hate. Anyways... 'Bout the series just now.. Love is always a big part of those.. I'm not sure what it involves. I mean, I know what it is when I look at my little girl. She's the world to me. No one can come between. But, I have been in realtionship where I thought I was in love, but I found out that it wasn't like that. It was more that I thought so, and now I'm stuck with the feeling that I know what love is when I look at my daughter. But I'm not sure I know what love is with another person. An other love was different, but I got dissapointed in a way I don't want others to experience. I know we all have a past and some baggage. But behave like an adult. I was more dissapointed over the way that person was to me, than the things he did, if you get it.. I forgave, but have not forgotten. I hope he has the life he wants, 'cause sometimes, he looks unhappy. I hope that's not the case because I still care. I care for most people, I guess I'm just that kinda person. Even if people do things to me that almost don't deserve forgiving. I still do. I know most people out there thinks I'm to soft or something. But I like to like people. There isn't so many in the world I really hate. I dislike a lot, but I don't hate. I just don't love them. And I have this weird feeling that I love everybody. Weird, I know. I like being weird =p But I just can't put my self in that loving another person stuff. I don't think I have been there that I really know what it's like. Sometimes I feel like a hippie. Don't worry, be happy. Peace and love =P I try to be to others what I want in return. But people aren't like that. They care more about them selves than others. Not everone is like that. But some more than others. Even I sometimes. But I can't seem to explain what I really mean. Hard to know how to get it out in a way that is understandable =p I am myself, nothing more or less. I have all these weird things I want, and weird things I do. Some people may call me childish, and that I am. And it's really funny =D Some may call me ignorant, and I might be. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be. I know I don't know everything, but I'm learning something new every day. I know I do weird stuff, that's just me =D I like to try the opposite of everybody else, just to try. If I like it, great!!! If not, I just find something else I like. Why I'm here and not somewhere else is all me I guess. I really could wish that I was somewhere else at times. But who would I be then?? I wish I had a car, so I can get around more, visit those I care for. I wish I had a real house, so I could have people over and my daughter could have friends there. A lot of space for all those I care about. And in there a man that love my girl and me. And loving us for who we are. Loving all the weird things I do, because it's me. A man that thinks I'm cute when I sleep and dribbles on the pillow.. A man that makes me smile even if I'm really mad. A man that likes hugging and cuddleing a lot. A man that can make me dinner just to make me happy... A man that don't make me feel less if I have done wrong. A man that don't patronize me or make me unhappy. I don't mean to put man in a booth. If someone is afended, I apologize. But it's my blog, and my opinions. So like it or not... Anyways... I'm not to familiar with the whole date-stuff.. It's weird. I don't know what to do, what to say, or not do and say. I try to do what I would have wanted others to do to me. And try not to make others have to high expectations. I don't know how things will go.. I'm not sure if I get this right even... And trying to say things face to face, since thats the right thing to do. But I never know if I don't do anything either. It doesn't help to sit home inside, where there isn't anyone else than me and my girl. But I guess I'm scared as well.. That's the main reason that I wish I was bulletproof. Well, that and that I just heard a song on the radio that had that title =D And that I'm scared that if I give much of my self, that I get hurt.. I don't want to.. Even if I know that I problably will be ok after.. Blah, this was so much, well, blaaaaahh.... Not sure if it, or anything makes sence.. I just look over it tomorrow, and if it doesn't make sence then, I just delete it...
♥
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